Thursday, September 11, 2008

Chicago Cubs and Their Sex Life
This post actually started out as a joke but once I started to think about it, I was certain that I could determine what type of sexual being that certain Cubs were based on watching them play, talk and act over the past few months and years.
Is this probably the most disturbing post I have ever put up? Yes, most likely. However, I think that if you know me, and chances are that you do if you are reading this, you will understand that my mind works in a very strange way. So off we go into this deeply personal post.
Alfonso Soriano - We start with the guy that swings the biggest stick in the league. Soriano majorly disappoints you most of the time but if he is on, you will be thanking your high heavens that God sent someone like him to you.
Ryan Theriot - The Riot is all about pleasing you. His concentration on you and you alone will lead to satisfaction almost every time despite your notion that he is too short, too small and will wear out near the end.
Derrek Lee - The most consistent partner in the world of inconsistent lovers. He will not overly impress you nor blow your mind away but he will eventually get the job done. You will be left thinking to yourself "You know, he could be soooo much better and powerful". Of course, when you want the power, you will call up....
Aramis Ramirez - Despite his habit of always wearing sunglasses in bed, Aramis will be the person you go to to get back at an old boyfriend. His moves and stamina have improved hugely over the past few years. Despite this, you will sometimes feel like he is just going through the motions.
Kosuke Fukudome - Has the habit of leaving the box at the most inappropriate time which will lead to major frustration. Also prefers to go the other way.
Jim Edmonds - Ole Jimmy has all the right moves and at times can be very good despite his age. He has a tendancy, however, to make things a little complicated for his significant other and will sometimes do unnecessary things that makes him look bigger and better than he really is.
Mark DeRosa - Very sensual and deeply romantic, Mark will treat you to hours upon hours of foreplay that will make you think you would never fall out of love with him. Then the moment comes that you realize that that is all there is and his shining moments do not come with a big bang.
Mike Fontenot - A small guy that thinks he is Harry Reems, Mike has the idea that he has more power than he really does and that leads to some major problems for you. Instead of listening to his brain and understanding his limitations, Fontenot will try to hit the home run every time instead of just letting you settle for a double.
Felix Pie - Has never got past first base.
Carlos Zambrano - A passionate Latino who very much worries about his performance, Big Z will absolutely "wow" you most of the time. But please be careful and watch out when he doesn't. Temper tantrums could be thrown that could lead to some crying. Sometimes his delivery will be low and that will lead to him hitting the wrong hole.
Ted Lilly - No nonsense type of guy who will give you what you want but he will not show one ounce of excitement or emotion. No foreplay will be had and he will want you to leave as soon as the fun is over.
Ryan Dempster - Starts great and you will be having the time of your life but is horrible at closing the deal. He will make wacky motions and give you crazy kisses so you will not know what is coming next. He will ask if he can record the session so he can go back and see how he can improve.
Bob Howry - Despite his impressive physique and chiseled chin, you will find that Bob is a mediocre lover stuck in a stud's body. There is a chance you will start booing him halfway through.
Kerry Wood - Prefers to come into the fun on the top of things. Although not as virile and young as he was when you first started dating, he can still deliver the goods and bring it strong.
Matt Sinatro (1B Coach) - Sinatro is what every woman dreams of having and what every man dreams of being. There is no downside to sleeping with Mr. Sinatro and you will be thankful that you were able to witness his excellence first hand.
Lou Piniella - I do not even want to think about it.
There you have it. If I missed anyone or you have any suggestions, please either put it in the comments or email me.
Go Cubs!
(I need therapy!)


Blogger Joy said...

LOL. Got here through Deadspin; now I need to either find or write the equivalent for the Red Sox. Hmmm, maybe it didn't seem as inappropriate to me since I'm not a guy. =)

10:24 AM  
Blogger amy said...

Please, I have to know: what about Carlos Marmol & Larry Rothschild? Oooh, and Samardzija??

11:45 AM  
Blogger J Dot said...

Awesome. Well done, sir.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Andrew L. said...

Well played.

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can tell a guy wrote this post, because had it been a female... she won't have skipped Soto:)

8:40 PM  

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